


Violet

by euphoricxdystopia



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, Multi, Panic Attacks, Pregnancy, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vomiting, fem!Haru, haru has like three quaterlife crisises in three days, rin is trYING but sweet, rinharu - Freeform, this is just an emotional rollercoaster for everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 22:35:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13774029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphoricxdystopia/pseuds/euphoricxdystopia
Summary: When Haruka found that the taste of her beloved mackerel was suddenly so putrid it made her throw up everything she had the night before (plus when that resulted in crying about it for thirty minutes in the now cold bath), she knew something was definitely wrong.Or the story where two pink lines on a pregnacy test change everything.





	Violet

**Author's Note:**

> (tw): fem!haru, hospitals, mentions of suicidal thoughts, vomiting, teen pregnacy, angst with fluff, angst with happy ending(?) kinda... you'll see ;)

****When Haruka found that the taste of her beloved mackerel was suddenly so putrid it made her throw up everything she had the night before ( _plus_ when that resulted in crying about it for thirty minutes in the now cold bath), she knew something was definitely wrong.

The sickness that seemingly only started a few weeks ago, the exhaustion that plagued her after every time she'd gone swimming these past two months, the need to eat everything she had in the fridge that was anything  _but_ mackerel (and among other terrifying symptoms... well, the bodily rejection of mackerel was definitely the worst) were at a point that she could not ignore now...

...Though, as much as it was paralysingly petrifying to admit the reason  _why_ all of this was happening, she didn't have the energy to focus on what that meant right now.

She wasn't stupid, she knew what was going on; it was more of a case of not  _wanting_ to know. If she got the courage to look at the stupid little pee test sitting by the bath's edge and pin this mess back to that stupid,  _stupid_ New Year's Eve, then maybe she would be bothered to accept it... But she didn't want to accept, to face, to know, to remember, to change anything... so Haruka simply  _didn't_.

Makoto would scold her for her avoidance of her issues, especially  _big ones_  like this, to which were not so easily solved... but then again, Makoto  _didn't know_ , and that's what mattered. He – just like the others – would  _never_ know.

At least until she,  _herself_ , knew what do to about all this.

But from now on she'd swim, go to school, see her friends and live like nothing had changed, like nothing was  _going_ to change – because it  _wouldn't_.

It was better that way anyway, she decided, sinking below the water's surface of the bathtub, concentrating on whether tears were like the same substance as water, and if you could drown in them, and if crying was the body's way of wanting to be free... from...  _not crying_ (?)... 'cause those were clearly very important, intentionally-distracting questions for Haruka's mind to ponder on.

The doorbell rang twice, followed but the usually sound of breaking and entering in the morning.

"Excuse me..."

Well... at least Makoto is always a polite housebreaker.  _Pfft_... actually he'd be a polite  _anything_ if it came down to it. She half imagined him saying, _'I'm so sorry, excuse me, but may I please borrow your pen please, if it's not an inconvenience,'_  because why wouldn't Makoto feel extremely guilty and idiotically embarrassed upon asking someone for their stationary?... She's not even entirely sure that that  _didn't_ happen once of twice.

Hmmm... if she'd needed someone's pen she'd truly just have taken it without asking.

Wait... what was she even thinking about anymore?... and why were tears running down both sides of her face?...  _Wow_... she never knew she harboured guilty emotions for her classmates and their stolen pens. Or well... her bab– chil– did...

 _Nope_.

That just didn't sound right to say – even in her own  _mind_...

She blamed  _him_ , of course. Only  _his child_ inside her would make her emotional over just about everything.

_Fuck you, Matsuoka..._

_Oh wait...–_

How pathetically ironic.

"I'm coming in." Makoto said as the door to the bathroom slid open, always announcing himself as he did every other time he bursted into her bathroom. Normally it never fazed her, but today Haruka just about jumped out of not only the water, but her skin itself.

"Sorry..." He smiled sheepishly with a tilted head, face innocently sweet enough to be that kid who'd used his 'puppy dog eyes' to get out of trouble... though, from knowing her best friend since they were practically toddlers, Makoto never got in trouble to begin with. The rebel or (more accurately) the  _kid-who-just-didn't-give-two-shits_  had always been her. Makoto did defend her most of the time for whatever mess she'd gotten herself into, whether that was running into the pool next to the 'DO NOT RUN' sign, or leaping straight into a fish's tank at the pet store...

Pity, Makoto nor his puppy dog eyes could save her from this mess this time.

Her friend appeared above her, holding out his hand in the oh-so-typically fashion. "Good morning, Haru-cha–"

"Drop the '-chan'. She said blankly, to which Makoto had the audacity to look startled for a mere half-second.

 _chan_.

The suffix seemed wrong – not just that it was too cute and too innocent; it was meant for a baby, and the thought that it didn't fit her biology at the moment left an acidic taste in her month, one that she'd been way too familiar with these past weeks. Her mind screamed words like 'grown-up', 'adult' and 'mother', when her heart just simply wanted to be the same as whatever she was before.

"Right, sorry." He just tilted his head, smiling anyway.

 _Oblivious_ , she thought.  _Good_.

The look he gave her was comforting, because she'd seen it so many times before. Interestingly enough, it was also a look that managed to cause any females (uh... and possibly some males, too) to swoon and blush furiously if they were anywhere within the perimeter. God, she'd get so annoyed when some random underclassmen interrupted sacred swim practice to talk privately with 'Tachibana-senpai'. It always ended with Makoto blushing, apologising and the girl or guy stumbling over how they could've possibly been rejected by the school's hottest sweetheart that  _must_ have loved them back.

She took his hand, standing up from the cold bath reluctantly. She caught Makoto's eyes drift down towards the rest of her body – and  _no_ , not in that way (if he did, perhaps at least one of her  _female_ classmates would've gotten a date with her best friend).

It was the swimsuit he saw – a black, one-piece with purple stripes along the sides; high cut legs with a low-cut back, yet it covered her stomach and chest. This was her favourite swimsuit, and to not wear it even though there was a  _slight_ uncomfortable stretch of the fabric over her abdomen, would be stupid –  _nothing_ was changing. Same swimsuit, same bath, same routine.

She could tell Makoto was mentally sighing, an expression of unsurprise gracing his features. "Figures..." he mumbled, but Makoto wouldn't have expected anything else and Haruka liked that.

"What?"

"Nothing." Makoto shook off, because he realised it was Haru... Well, he always knew that, just didn't expect  _this_ going into their last year of high school... No, wait that was a lie. He did.

"I guess you didn't get to swim much this winter, did you?"

Haruka stopped where she'd been walking over to get changed behind the curtain that separated the rest of the bathroom from the bath. Something red and fiery etched itself across her mind, and she had no idea why that comment had scratched a nerve.

"I did sometimes. With Rin."

Swim together they did, and then some more...

_Stop thinking about that..._

Makoto didn't notice her momental fazing out, quickly looking back at his watch while she quietly slipped through to the other part of the room. "We gotta hurry if we're gonna meet Rei and Nagisa at the station."

She bit her lip from behind the curtain where Makoto couldn't see her, putting on an apron. Haruka could care less about being late for the others, or showing up to the station at all. That meant the four of them would end up taking the train to Samezuka, and then she'd have to meet the one person who she really couldn't be bothered worrying about, as he was  _always_ invading her mind somehow.

She knew she'd eventually have to deal with Rin and  _their_ proble–  _situation_ at some point, but for now she decided she'd wait. Making breakfast was less bothersome than thinking about Rin and the thing that was half his fault inside her right now. Or... perhaps just the mental concentration of not throwing up from  _thinking_ about said breakfast was the best thing to do at the moment.

"I'm done changing."

"Good, then we should get going... why are you putting on an apron?!"

"To cook mackerel and eat it, obviously." Because Haruka was a determined person (at least when it came to mackerel), and no matter how much the smell made her insides churn or how badly the look of raw fish made her want to gag, this was her favourite food, dammit, and she wasn't going to let her current...  _condition_ deny her of it.

"I just said we don't have the time!"

Haruka walked passed him and into the kitchen. Just the look of the uncooked mackerel on the countertop was enough to make the bile rise up in her throat again...

but she wanted it so badly... Either to prove something she didn't want to face, or just to have one thing make her feel mentally better at this point...

So Haruka made a choice. "Don't care."

Makoto watched defeatedly from the living room as she picked up the uncooked fish and put it down on the stove. It was fine, she told herself. Yet, as the greasy oil from the pan sizzled in such a way that she'd never found disgusting before made unrelenting nausea clot in her stomach, Haruka may have regretted the idea to prove her point – to whom she couldn't even remember. Herself? The... baby?  _Maybe_ , but  _wow_ , she'd have to get used to that word. She didn't think she'd have to... not yet anyway, not for a while... that was sure.

"But we're going to be late, Haru!"

Makoto's whining failed to reach her ears, as the sickening feeling rose up her throat, and all Haruka could hear was  _'don't throw up don't throw up don't throw up don't throw up'_  on a continuous loop from the voice inside her head.

And...  _oh, shit_. The voice in her head failed her. She felt her insides violently twist themselves inside out, and the bile mixed with stomach acid rise up her oesophagus in a way that no human should have to experience, all while running to the sink, covering her mouth with both hands. The attempt was pointless, she knew that, especially as whatever contents she still seemed to have left in her stomach spilled itself into the sink, while she gripped the edges of it, white-knuckled like a lifeline.

Makoto, as if he'd never seen someone be sick before, bolted over to his friend, half shrieking, half crying out, "Haru! Are you okay? Do you have a fever? Why didn't you tell me you were feeling unwell?"

Haruka groaned at both unpleasantries – throwing up and Makoto's full on worrisome panic. "I'm fine, Makoto." She turned on the tap as if washing the vomit away would erase what just happened from existence, making it look like nothing was out of the ordinary.

Makoto didn't believe it for a second. "No, you're not Haru! You're sick! I'm taking you to a doctor! You can't swim like this."

"No..." She choked out, because if there was one thing she was going to do, it was swim. It was an understatement to say she felt like shit, was so exhausted she felt like collapsing, and really didn't what to see Rin anytime soon, but she  _had_ to swim. Things  _had_ to stay just as they'd always been. "I'm fine."

"I know you want to go to swimming practice, but what if something is wrong!" She didn't feel bad that Makoto was close to freaking out about this, and honestly just needed him to shut up so she could just go to the pool. "I need to take you to a doctor."

"Stop. I'm  _fine_ , let's just go."

"What? Haru, tell me if you're sick, we won't go so you can rest!"

Her teeth gritted together, "I'm not sick." The words went sour on her tongue, as if she couldn't decide if it was a lie or not.

"You just threw u–"

"I know!"

"Then  _please_ tell me what's wrong." His eyes had turned glassy with anxiety, and she knew she shouldn't be so harsh; he was undeniably really worried about her. "Are you okay?"

Her mouth made movements, but the words she needed to use were buried under whatever barrier she'd forced them under. Deny.  _Deny, deny, deny_  wrapped itself around her brain like an instruction,  _command_. She hated feeling trapped by her own thoughts.

Talking. Talking had always been hard, though the thoughts inside her head weren't always jumbled up and constricting. Maybe if she just... just faced what was happening, everything would become clear again.

She hated the sound of her own voice when she said it in her head, and couldn't tell if saying the words aloud would make her feel more strangled, or free.

So Haruka said them anyway, and felt the acidic bitterness rise up in her throat for an entirely different reason.

It wasn't bad. It wasn't good. She was unsure.

"I... I'm pregnant."

"...Eh?"

The silence was worse than Makoto's panic, or her suffocating thoughts and she wished she never said it because that made what she'd just said  _real_.

There was a fiery-eyed swimmer that centred her thoughts constantly, a need to be with him more than anyone else, a New Year's Eve party that wasn't drunken or out-of-control but instead magical, physical signs that aren't normal unless pregnancy, a positive test beside the bath tub, and... and  _someone_ that she and Rin had created – a life inside her... and now it all became  _real_.

She hadn't known when the pressure behind her eyes became too much and the salty water fell down her cheeks, or when Makoto's much bigger frame enveloped her within his warmth and his arms gently hugged her endearingly, or when they'd managed to sink to the floor – Haruka a crying mess – but they had, and she was okay with it...

She never really cried at all, but  _everything_ at the moment was so  _much_ that crying into Makoto's chest somehow made it better. It wasn't sadness or regret she felt, it was just the overwhelmingness of it.

"Sorry..." She sniffled, not bothering to look up, just comforted by the fact he was there. She liked that he didn't so obviously  _lose it_  the way she did. Maybe he had on the inside, since she could feel somebody shaking – but that might've been her.

"Haru... Haru, I'm right here," He cooed in and almost perfect voice, just a hint of it was nervousness. "I'll aways be here, Haru-chan. But I don't understand... Can you talk to me? Who–?" He cut himself off. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't ask you–"

"Rin."

"Oh," Makoto's breath hitched, if only for a second, before seemingly plastering a gentle smile across his face and caressing his soft hands down Haru's back, completely acceptingly, like he'd always just known Haruka and Rin were more to each other than what they seemed to be. "I thought you two– I mean... I didn't want to assume. I just figured you'd tell me when you were ready."

"I'm not ready." She mumbled, a constricting pressure moulding inside her chest. If everything wasn't so suffocating all the time, then maybe she would've found a moment when she  _was_ ready.

"You don't have to tell me anything, if you don't wa–"

"I don't care anymore. It was New Year's Eve. We didn't tell anyone about us. It was so nice, really." And it still is, Haruka knew – their whole relationship felt like them against all the odds, and it was exhilarating because together they were unstoppable,  _unbeatable_ – but something terrifyingly big is going to happen to both of them – _and how is she only just realising this now?!_

"But now I'm unsure."

"It's alright to be unsure, Haru-chan." Makoto said gently, his demeanour nothing but warmth that she could infinitely melt into. "Have you spoken to Rin?"

The shuffled shaking of her head against his chest was a 'no'.

"Well, I think you need to tell him this. Talk to him about what you think and want for your future, then let him do the same."

It seemed so simple when he said it liked that, but the thought went sour in her head as she knew it wouldn't be.

* * *

The smell of chlorine hit her like a head rush; and it was beautiful.

The four of them had come in running breathlessly due to how late they turned out to be. Gou was probably pissed, considering she had been abandoned by her team for about 20 minutes, though she  _did_ have wet, half-naked guys with abs to drool over, so she shouldn't be too upset. "Guys, over here!"

Haruka trailed behind the rest of the Iwatobi swimmers as they all suddenly looked over at the other side of the pool to witness most of Samezuka's swim team members looking alarmingly half-dead.

"What!? Isn't there anyone who can beat me?!" Roared Seijuro from inside the pool.

Haruka, disinterested in whatever was going on, didn't wait around to hear the conversation between her teammates.

First on the agenda, was find Rin... and then second was diving completely clothed into the chemically chlorinated pool to  _forget everything_ , even for just a second.

"Yo," came the sly, crimson-haired teen from beside her, a smirk evidently playing across his peachy lips. She didn't even have to look at him to know.

_Okay, I found Rin... or he found me... Whatever, can I go in the pool now?_

She pleaded with herself, but Makoto's voice inside her head sighed/whined in a stupidly bothersome voice,  _'Haruuu~',_  so she didn't.

"Come with me." She stated simply, taking his wrist in her hand.

"Wha...?" Rin said, clearly confused as to why he was being forced into the locker room at this point. "Hey, why–?"

She pressed him up against the lockers, able to see the reflection of herself in the mirror. Neither made the attempt to lead in closer, to touch each other's hair, or feel the other's soft lips against their own. The tension was smothering, the complete opposite of whatever it had been every other time they'd wanted to simply be together, dragged by the other into a quiet place to tune off the rest of the world like nobody else but them existed.

"I don't know what to say, so I'm gonna start with: I need to tell you something."

Rin raised an eyebrow. "Is something wrong?"

Haruka felt Rin's aflame eyes search her expression or body language for something amiss. If anything, her appearance would be the first give away to something not being quite right. Though, apart from dissevered bed hair, dark eyes, a slightly pale green complexion and puffy, red eyes she looked fine... or maybe not. Haruka didn't essentially care what she looked like, and had little interest in being 'attractive' the way other girls did, however, the mirror beyond Rin's shoulder showed someone who looked quite sick when she saw herself in it.

"Are you okay?" Rin asked, more softness in his voice. She liked hearing him this way, because honestly, he sounded beautiful. She remembered laying with him that night on December 31st counting down the seconds till the New Year where he'd whisper each numeral in that voice. She liked hearing it, so she'd ask him to say sweet meaningless phrases or words until one of them ended up to be,  _'I want to spend this year only with you, Haru. We will make history together.'_

"I'm pregnant."

Her eyes closed, her hands went numb, she didn't want to see the mirror anymore, nor Rin's crimson eyes ablaze with awe.

"I'm sorry," she choked out, and felt him tense beside her. She didn't want to open her eyes, because the world was too real, Rin was too real and so was their baby. It was terrifying and confusing and scary and  _real_.

She didn't want to hate it.

"Haru,"

But she did.

"Are you serious?" Rin whispered, shaking, with an edge of what sounded like bliss coating his voice.

"Of course I'm serious!" She harshly whispered back as if afraid of her own voice. "Uh... I– I'm... sorry." It didn't sound right to be sorry. It sounded horrible, and Rin knew it too.

"Please, don't say that. Please, don't say you're sorry." Rin gently caressed her face with delicate fingers and palms that were smooth to the touch. Haruka fluttered her eyes open and ocean blue met fiery red. His eyes were glassy. He was crying.

"What are we supposed to do?" Haru mumbled, melting into the warmth of his touch. She instantly felt calmer.

"Whatever you want to do, Haru." He told her, though it wasn't the whole truth and she could see past his blissful, tearing eyes and wavering sweet smile.

"No. Tell me what  _you_ want to do."

"I..." He started, losing words through the tears. His smile suddenly became steady and Haru didn't think she'd seen it this genuine. "I want to love this baby."

Haruka's eyes were now focused on nothing else but him. The scene around them had gone completely silent. There was no water splashing, no whistles going, no people cheering. Just the sound of blood pumping through their bodies, two breaths steady and even, and hearts synchronising to match the other's beat. "You mean...?"

"I want our baby to hold, to lay between us on a bed, to watch us win golds at the Olympics, to become their own little champion one day. My father – I want to be what he was." He let out a content-sounding, small laugh with a smile that didn't faulted once.

"This is so real." Haruka said, and though she was unsure and overwhelmed and terrified, she wasn't alone. The two of them were constantly against all the odds, but that was okay because everything was slowly solidifying amongst a chaotic world of incertitude. It was okay because they would survive against anything together. Rin and Haruka were unbeatable – it was fact.

"I'm terrified, Haru." Rin muttered, the tears streaming down his face didn't stop. In his eyes, as well as hers, there was fear and confusion and she was certain he was shaking, but nothing could deny that wonderment, and passion and love.

"Yeah..."

* * *

Suffering alone in her own house wasn't great, but throwing up the next morning in Rin's bathroom was somehow just worse. That silver-haired boy, which Haruka had never bothered to remember the name of, was outside the door, awkwardly waiting outside to desperately use it, meanwhile Rin mortifyingly sat beside her through the whole ordeal. Makoto seeing her puke yesterday in the sink was nothing compared to, not only waking up Rin from their bed, but his roommate too, because she'd sprinted into the bathroom at six in the morning, only to vomit repeatedly into the toilet. The shame from that was equal to that of him witnessing this, tying to comfort her, like it was possible to be comforted when throwing up on the floor of a dorm's bathroom.

And to make Haruka Nanase even  _remotely_ embarrassed was an incredible rarity...  _This_ just about made her want to drown at the bottom of the sea and never resurface.

She must admit though, him tenderly rubbing her back in circles eased the pain – if only a bit... not that she'd admit it, of course.

"Get out. Don't – see this." Haruka mumbled, letting her head drop into her arm that rested exhaustedly on top of the porcelain seat. "This is disgusting." It was. Throwing up at an ungodly hour of the morning was disgusting. Having Rin watch and try to help her was disgusting. Having vomit stains on her clothes and greenish-pale skin, dark under eyes and dishevelled haired (three out of four things that wouldn't just simply _go away_  if they were washed) were disgusting. All of it was disgusting. She despised the people who said pregnancy was beautiful, because they were liars.

"It's okay..." He spoke softly, his gentle caresses never ceasing. "This doesn't bother me."

"It bothers  _me_ ," she snapped back, levelling her eyes to meet his, and suddenly they were no longer just talking about morning sickness. "Tell me, Rin. What are we going to do."

He looked startled, if only for a second before his face melted into concerned confusion. "What do you mean?"

She shook her head, regretting it instantly as the acidic taste burned up her throat again. It wasn't helping that her mind couldn't handle thinking so drastically about the future, especially while feeling this sick and this exhausted. She already felt the pressure behind her eye sockets worsened.

God, the next many months we're going to be hell, weren't they?

"I  _mean_ with school, with regionals... beyond that. I don't know." She sighed, closing her eyes and laying her feverish forehead back on her arm. This wasn't a conversation for now, they both knew that, but Haruka was done ignoring everything she had to face. The sleep deprivation and sickness definitely clouded her mind enough to say the things she wouldn't in her normal conscious. It made her unafraid... or at less apathetic enough to not give a shit.

"Anything you want to do with your life, you do." Rin told her faintly. "Continue to compete, or don't. Go to college, or don't. Plan for a future in competitive swimming, or don't. And know that these are six options out of one billion."

It all revolved around swimming, in the end. All of her choices she'd have to make, all her pathways she'd follow – they would all end up with her surrounded by ocean blue in that crystallised sparkling liquid called water. And that's what she wanted... but each line directing her into the future she wanted was tangled, messy, unpredictable – not to mention, vague. There were  _so_ many of them, too. Which one did she take, when all she cared about was being within the water?

"I don't know what I want to do." She admitted, subconsciously resting her other arm out to touch Rin's knee beside her. She knew what he wanted for himself; a gold medallion hanging around his neck, a fist in the air, a national jacket on his back, and a father that – had he still been alive – would've looked down on his son and felt the most amount of pride and proudness a parent could feel.

She was jealous that her future didn't shine so brightly in front of her eyes the way his did. Rin's was so real, he could touch it. All she had was an intangible feeling and a need to be free.

"Swim, and see where that takes you. You already have a gift for it. For you, you could strive as far as internationals – we both could, if that's what you wanted."

"Being pregnant is going to limit that." Haruka considered. It wasn't like she could swim competitively 35 weeks pregnant. Hell, she was already starting to show and it bothered her that pregnancy made her so tired she couldn't keep up her stamina like she used to, or sometimes just randomly ran out of breath talking when not even exercising. That was kind of alarming since she rarely spoke at all.

"Maybe this year, but there's the next, and the next, and the next, and an infinite number ahead to swim and pursue your future." Rin told her.

"Yeah..." she mumbled, still thinking everything over. "I don't know..."

"Whatever you decided, I'll be here." Rin said gently, running his hand down her back, matching their breathing.

"Then I don't want to go to school today." She said, and with the way she was feeling, it wasn't a request.

"But it's the first da–" He tried to reason, ineffectively –  _obviously_. It was Haruka, for God's sake.

"Don't care."

Rin bit back a sigh. "Okay, well, I'll text Makoto then. Do you want me to stay here as well?" He offered, a sinking feeling in his chest at the thought of leaving a sick Haruka all day alone. Yes, she could already take care of herself but she needed to know that she wasn't going to deal with anything alone anymore.

"No. Go to class." She muttered, and he understood what she didn't say.

Rin nodded, chewing on the inside of his mouth. "Okay. But let's go back to bed for a bit, I know you're tired."

Sleep truly sounded like a luxury, so she blindly followed Rin out of the bathroom, him taking her by the hand so she wouldn't stumble, and they both collapsed into a heap on top of the covers. They held each other like the other one was the literal embodiment of warmth, and weren't disturbed until his alarm clock went off one hour later.

* * *

Okay... Haru had a question for any doctors out there – perhaps even the people who invented language, or any deities listening from the heavens that, at the moment, were more bad luck and fortune: Why the fuck was morning sickness called morning sickness if she felt it all fucking day?

And then she had another question: what part of wanting to partake in this public tournament was a good idea? Sure, a few hours ago it sounded perfect, curled up in Rin's sheets like a tiny little ball when she was sick of doing absolutely nothing. Apparently, she failed to realise that the reason she was doing nothing was because she was also  _sick in general._ Haruka scolded her three-hour-ago self, as past Haruka's obliviousness to seeing no logical flaw whatsoever in that decision, now resulted in the decision having no logic at all.

God, she only prayed to the unforgiving Gods of the spiritual realm that the water would heal her like it had every other time in the past. So far it had cured fevers, headaches, pre-quarter-life crises, boredom and now hopeful pregnancy-related nausea.

Bringing a hand up to her pounding head and facing the mirror in the changing rooms, she turned on the faucet, cupping the water in her other hand and splashing it into her face. It was more so for the reason that she'd seen people do it in movies to clear their heads, so this was her plan C: be well enough to say she was borderline 'fine' without a wince – if the glorious pool, nor the Gods helped her.

She let her hair fall messily from the dishevelled pony tail it had been tied back into all day. She never found much reason to style it any better since it was always damp (if not soaking-wet), and sort of knotted. Recently, her raven locks looked more tangled and dishevelled than she liked to admit, so it was a good thing she was a swimmer – she could always hide it under her swimming cap.

However, her hair was pretty irrelevant like it always had been, and the most drastic thing she had to conceal at the moment was the little hard bump of her abdomen. To say that freaked her out more than anything else – vomiting included – was undeniably true, understatedly so.

That part of her appearance was  _terrifying_. It was life, and that petrified her. She couldn't exactly say when it had become a little more noticeable, or when she even realised her body had changed at all, but it had, regardless of her thoughts and that was the most confining feeling that surged through her from the moment she found out.

She realised blatantly that her life would soon be revolved around hiding things and hiding more things until... well, until  _what?_

What then, in a few months from now when everything is concrete – when everything is set in it ways, when she has one path to follow blindly, and one future in front of her?

What if when, in a few months from now, there is no  _'all over'?_  Because this sort of thing doesn't simply  _end_. It's life changing, and that's why it's terrifying – because it's real.

Haruka pushed herself away from the sink, tearing her eyes from the mirror and pulling her jacket around her waist and stomach tighter. She bit her lip, and couldn't quite pinpoint the emotion that gnawed at her inside. That alone left her teeth gritting in frustration... but there was something else.

"Are you trying to ambush me?" Haruka walked steadily past the row of lockers in the changing room, expectedly passing the boy she hadn't seen since this morning. She kept her eyes distant, facing nothing but the door.

She'd swim with him. So be it. She liked that, her brain reminded her.

Rin propped himself against the lockers, smirking at her like he did before they raced together. This was simple enough, no pressure to win, no victory to prove, no time to beat – and yet she still saw in his eyes that the freestyle race they were about to swim was going to be adrenaline fuelled, exciting and their first proper race of the year.

 _Figures_...

"Ready?" Rin asked, not bothering with the concerned  _'are you okay?'s_ , and for that, she was grateful.

She was going to race, just as he did – because that was what Rin and Haruka did, and nothing would change that.

She wanted the fire in his eyes to ignite the feeling in hers.

Anything to escape.

"Of course."

* * *

"See? You're all fired up."

It didn't work.

"Not really..."

* * *

The peach-hued sakura petals glistened within the water, astonishingly beautiful with the orange-hearted sunset practically glowing across Iwatobi pool's sparkling surface. It was the calmest and most serene scene she'd lived through in months, but found the beauty of it all impossible to find, and felt nothing but the numb suffocating sensation her body had been exposed to recently. The warmth of Japan's sun dipping below the horizon line felt intangible against her skin, and did nothing but abandon her with the cold iciness clawing itself around her skin.

"What are you going to do after everything, Haru?" Makoto whispered to her, looking over the unseeable serene horizon of sunset hues and April air, his words not entirely reaching her. The golden rain poured in front the three of them, and she felt Rin beside her lean into her touch, seeking warmth just as much as she did.

Besides Rin, Makoto was the only one that knew. He knew that her future involved children way earlier than it was supposed to, and yet it didn't stop him asking the questions she hated. Maybe if no one asked her what she was going to do about all this, she could actually figure it all out – and know for herself. Or maybe it didn't matter, and one thing or another wold just simply  _happen_ like it always did, and she would just have to deal with it because that was life and she didn't get to choose.

She didn't answer, didn't even bother to look in his direction.

"Uh... are you still aiming for the world stage, Rin?" Her best friend awkwardly shifted the conversation away, peeling his eyes to Rin who nodded, hand intertwined with Haruka's. Now that Makoto knew their secret, it didn't matter to her that he saw the little things they did that couples were apparently supposed to do. She didn't see how hand-holding could be so couple-y, and only interlocked their hand because it was cold, and Rin was comforted by it.

"Yeah..." He mumbled against the rain, voice fading into the scene. "Since I wasted some time getting here, nationals this summer will be my last chance. If I can make it to nationals, I could get scouted. I'll set new records there, and then finally do what I've always wanted for my dream."

She let their two hands slip from each other's, and her gaze that had been set upon his fiery eyes tore away, favouring the ground.

How was it so fucking easy for some people to know exactly what they wanted? Was it all just a lottery in life that some people were the directors – paving their own futures before their eyes and making their story a reality – and while some were the audience?

Maybe she was neither, not an overseer or watcher, but instead just a role who didn't have a choice but to act through it all.

 _'The world is whatever you make of it, Haruka.'_  Her mother used to say before both her parents left for Tokyo almost six years ago. She never understood, even back then. Though, as a careless 12-year-old, she didn't care what her mother meant, nor had a need to find out.

Frankly, now all she heard in the phrase was bullshit. Fate doesn't belong to anyone, let alone a water-loving freak like her. The world will change, wreak havoc, disrupt what's sacred, and people have to find a way to shape themselves around it – not the other way around.

"Haru, are you okay?"

She wasn't sure who said that, the distant white noise muffled her ears, and the rain beating down from the sky made it hard to tell. There was a hot ache behind her eyes, she couldn't pinpoint when it had started but,  _God_ , it hurt now. The warm rain on her hands felt feverish, perhaps it was her skin and Rin's white knuckles brushing her own felt freezing.

She shook her head, watching as her vision flashed searing white, before walking out into the rain.

Makoto was probably annoyed when she dived into the April-temperature water, but the static white noises seized, as did the Earth around her, so it was worth it. Underneath the pool's surface, where it was safe, and nothing could be heard or felt or seen but the soothing ripples and the cool cyan hue.

* * *

"No one came today, either..." Gou sighed, the three of them staring at the scroll they had put up welcoming the quite non-existent new members. "Not even the other half of the team bothered to show up."

"I knew it!" Rei exclaimed, crossing his arms. "All we have to do is give an astonishing relay performance at nationals and have our club's name resound throughout the country!" To which finished with Rei pumping his fist in the air in triumph and Gou rolling her eyes at the words,  _'all we have to do'._

Nagisa shook his head, bouncing up and down like he couldn't sit still. "I can't wait 'til summer!" He yelled, sounding almost pained at the thought of simply  _waiting_.

"That would be a great plan and all, wining nationals... but, as Team Manager, it's my duty to inform you that we need to achieve two things before we do that! Amazingly toned and perfect muscles to help us win, and the two currently missing club members to at least qualify as a relay team!"

The boys blinked at Gou who had her fists clenched together and looking furiously fed-up in the typical Matsuoka fashion.

Pity she was ignored.

"At this rate, we'll have no choice but to run naked through the halls, Rei-chan!"

Gou's eyes widened in curiosity. "That's not such a bad idea actually."

"Where did all the swimsuits go!?" Rei cried, holding onto his head, as if holding onto his sanity amongst the chaos that was half the Iwatobi swim club.

"What's more important to you: getting naked, or zero new members?!" Nagisa pleaded.

"I don't want either of those things – and we can drop the 'naked' thing!"

"Okay, then let's write a song for the swim club commercial!"

"Who's going to write it?"

"You?"

"And who's going to sing it!?"

"You?"

Gou grounded, pushing her forehead into her hands to block out the sound for Rei's screams. She'd managed to escape whatever 'lovers fight' this was and didn't want to continue to listen to it for another hour so she pulled out her phone, silently begging that either Makoto or Haruka answered and could tell her where the hell they were, and if they could save her from currently listening to Rei and Nagisa's fight over getting naked in the school halls.

_**Gou Matsuoka** _

**_to Makoto Tachibana:_ **

_No one showed up, Nagisa-kun and Rei-kun are screaming at each other, you abandoned me ('；ω；') – SOS HELP, WHAT DID I EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS?! (｀・ω・')_

* * *

_Class 37, Haruka Nanase_

_Circle what you plan to do after you graduate high school:_

_A. Collage B. Employment ©. Other (_ **_Free_ ** _)_

* * *

**_Makoto Tachibana_ **

**_to Gou Matsuoka:_ **

_Sorry Gou-chan! (*'ω'*) Careers counselling with Ama-chan! No one showed up? (T . T) I do have some good news though! Coach Sasabe is reopening the old SC club: 'SC Returns' and needed us to promote it! So, Haru had the idea of a relay!!! ･:*+.\\(( °ω° ))/.:+ It's after school, and we need an opposition team, so ask Rin if him and his teammates will do it pwease! ＼(^o^)／_

* * *

Haruka hadn't bothered to stay in Amakata-sensei's classroom much long after the whole  _'you'll never know if you don't try'_  speech. Or rather, her stomach decided it had had enough of  _not_ throwing up, so she kind of had to run out of the class anyway. Makoto gave her that alarmingly concerned look as he waited outside the classroom door for her, though as she turned around pacing away, Haruka sharply gave him a look much more threatening, silently saying  _'just go the fuck away'_  and he got the message.

Thankfully Makoto's dignity wasn't that low for him to follow her into the girls' bathroom, but what she didn't account for was Gou walking in.

"Get out," She mumbled, raking her fingers though her hair from the tiled floor, sitting against the cubical wall. Maybe Makoto had been talking to her and sent her in here to check on Haruka, or it could be, perhaps, that Gou just walked in because this was the bathroom, after all.

Anyway, she notice Haruka on the floor, and the swimmer didn't managed to press the flush button fast enough for Gou not to see the contains of her stomach inside the porcelain bowl, and the terrified gasp escaping the freakishly too-similar red-head's mouth at the sight.

"Oh, my God! Haruka-senpai! Are you alright?!" She ran down to Haruka's level on the floor, taking her own hand and placing it upon the feverish girl's shoulder who ached away at the touch. "I'm getting the nurse–"

Before Gou had the chance to get up and turn away, Haruka seized her wrist so tightly that it  _had_ to hurt. "No."

Gou pulled her hand away, rubbing at the redness, yet Haruka looked away, couldn't caring less.

"Why–? You need to look after yourself!" Gou scolded, which somehow made Haruka  _snap_. Here, in the girls' toilets, being sick over something she had no control over, where it wasn't even entirely her fault, and something that she couldn't decide was a bad thing or a good thing (but was undoubtedly a  _significant_ thing), she was being told she need to take better care of herself, like this wouldn't have happened if she did?!

_What the fu–_

"This is what happens when you go swimming in April."

_Oh._

That's what Gou thought this was.

Haruka wished. "...Not that,"

"Huh?"

The swimmer clenched her eyes shut, blocking out the world, and the throwing her head back on the wall. It would've hurt a bit against the hard, cold tile but she didn't notice. "I'm not doing this for a third time." Haruka whispered.

"Haruka-senpai, just tell me what's going on." Gou asked, so worried just like Makoto had been. Haruka vaguely wondered if this  _was_ something that other people should be so concerned with. She definitely was, and that was something considering Haruka Nanase didn't have 'worried' as part of her scale of human emotion. Rin should be worried too, or maybe it was best if he weren't because then he could be the one to help  _her_. Last year, she was his lifeline in the storm, his lighthouse in the darkness, his teammate when he had no one, so he would be here for her now, right? He had to be, because that's who they were – they were the ones who saved each other.

"Talk to Rin." She told Gou simply, slitting her eyes open, hating it and pushing herself from the freezing floor. If she looked as bad as she felt, then –  _wow_ – people would be worried. However, she wouldn't know, as she didn't dare to look towards the mirrors once. A new trait as of recently – since mirrors held the truth.

* * *

Running was never her forté, considering... well, she sucked at it. She was never particularly fast, and especially now since she seemed to have this inability to catch her breath, but tonight Haruka ran like the ground and rocks of the earth was her new ocean to drown in. She could chase away the words from other people's mouths that didn't belong in her thoughts by pounding one foot in front of the other, losing the voices with each laboured breath and beat of her heart.

She wanted the water, she wanted to feel numb – but even that made her feel absolutely inconsolable – or when she was competing, at least. The relay made everything worse, and it wasn't even a proper competition. It wasn't even timed, no one would be disqualified if they left the podium too early, there was no 'next stage' where they'd have to beat yet another round of better skilled swimmers... and yet it didn't help. It didn't make her forget and leave her problems on the water's surface, or on land where they belonged.

So this disgusting physical activity called 'running' was what she had fallen to, was it?

The edges of burning frustration licked at her mind like a candle slowly gaining more heat. It made her grit her teeth, stumble more powerfully forward, bawl her fists so tightly that they might be bleeding from her nails piercing the soft flesh of her palm.

It wasn't enough. She still heard them, taunting her.

_"Onii-chan?! Haruka-senpai is pregnant?!"_

_"What are you going to do now, after high school, Haru-chan?"_

_"Being a parent at this age is definitely unreasonable, as to raise a child you'd need great amounts of stability... and not just financially. It takes a lot of effort, Haruka-senpai. You need to know what you're doing – you cannot go into this blindly, that's_ insanity _! Not to mention you will not get scouted, or be eligible for the Olympic trials at the end of this year, in your condition."_

_"Didn't see this coming, especially from Haru-chan of all people! I thought the only people who got laid in this club were myself and Rei-chan. I guess that doesn't count, though, since we're having sex with each other..."_

_"Nagisa-kun!"_

_"Have you told your parents, Haru?"_

_"Does my mother know? Has Onii-chan told her?"_

_"I'm worried for you, Haruka-senpai. You shouldn't have done that relay race for SC Returns, especially since it proved you ran out of stamina during your freestyle leg."_

_"What are we going to do if Haru-chan can't compete in our relay this year at nationals? Are we even gonna make it to nationals without her?!"_

_"Stay away from Rin. You're a distraction, Nanase, and will only get in his way."_

"Shut up," She breathed, a white puff of air brushing against her pink lips from the cold. She closed her eyes, waiting for the blackness to smother over. She wasn't sure when, or how long she'd been running before she ended up at the train station, but she had and made the somewhat stupid decision to take the last train of the night to Samezuka.

God,  _Yamazaki_ was going to be there, wasn't he – probably sharing a dorm with Rin, not letting him out of his sight for some obsessive reason? She wasn't even sure if he knew about their relationship or the pregnancy (safe to assume he did, considering the whole Iwatobi swim club now knew thanks to Gou's chat with Rin, and gossip seems to spread stupidly fast between the two teams).

Whatever, it didn't matter – especially to Yamazaki who thought Haruka would only hurt Rin's ability to compete on the world stage, or Rei who unhelpfully shared his opinions on how hard raising a child would be and how it would result in her chances of being scouted getting eliminated, or Nagisa's unintentional words rephrasing that she was responsible for them not getting to swim at nationals without her, or Makoto's pestering that involved wanting to know what she was going to do with her future – and now bringing up that this was something she needed to tell her parents about? Since when did they give a shit about her life?!

Honestly, everyone can just fuck right off to Tokyo, too.

When the train jolted to a stop outside the school's station, Haruka pulled out her phone, texting Rin – the only reason she brought her phone anyway in the first place –, and telling him to come met her near the fountain.

"You can come spend the night with me in my room, if you'd like, you know?" Rin said, Haruka oblivious to when he got there, startling her from where she was just previously staring into the watered display.

"No," Haruka mumble, turning back to the fountain and running her fingers through its icy stream.

Rin watched her. Under the moonlight that shined off the water and her dark eyes, where no sounds were heard but the gush of water and their gentle voices, everything seemed so tranquil. 

To Haruka it was a lie.

"Can I ask why you're here?" He said softly, coming to sit with her on the edge of the fountain.

She didn't answer, just tearing her now cold and wet hands away from the water and placing them against his cheek. The sensation wasn't heated, but gentle and even icy, yet Rin didn't mind at all. She had shivers down her leg where the numbing stone met the flesh of her thighs, and yet somehow she felt warm.

"I don't know. I just needed you."

He brought his hands around her back, one caressing the back of her head delicately, to which she leaned into his chest and hid from the world. There was no kissing, no passionate touching, no going back to Rin's room – it was just a quiet, wishful embrace and that's all it needed to be.

The words of everybody else melted away when Rin held her close.

"Are you okay?"

She shook her head, an inaudible 'no' muffled against the soft fabric of his jacket. "I hate people."

Rin huffed at that, somewhere sounding between a tired laugh and a sigh. "Yeah, I get that... same here. Sousuke's back, but he's acting strange; and Gou is so shocked about everything, her first instinct was to tell literally everyone... and my mom – I told her after the relay at SC today. She didn't want this for me so early on. She thinks us having a child together is going to impact too greatly on both of our futures. She didn't say it aloud, but she didn't mean 'impact for the better'..."

"I wanna go away."

Rin pulled away, looking down at her eyes which seemingly stayed focused on the ground. "Like...?"

"Like anywhere else than Iwatobi." She mumbled, twisting her fingers around a lose thread of her clothing, letting her eyes be anywhere but his. She wasn't really sure where this had come from, but this town was too small – not in the, 'I need to go out into the world and rise to fame, having my name in the Hollywood starlight' way, but in the, 'If I stay here any longer, I'm going to go insane from the claustrophobia of it all' kind of way. "Everyone here is so –  _bothersome_."

He nodded, biting his pale lip and also looking away. "I know. I wish they'd just mind their own business.  _This_ –" he moved his hand lower down her sides, carefully grazing them against her waist, gently caressing them over her abdomen, his hands leaking warmth. "– shouldn't matter to anyone but us –"

"What are you doing?" Haruka grabbed his wrists suddenly, pulling them away, just out in front of her as if they'd burned her. They hadn't obviously – they were admirably soothing and so warm that she could fall asleep in his arms. The care he radiated was  _perfect_ , but even so, it made her pull away.

She felt so stupid for doing so.

"I–..." Rin fumbled, his eyes going wide,  _darker_. "I'm sorry," he whispered, pulling his hands out of her grasp, cheeks going rose – a mixture of the cold and something else.

"No, it was okay," she breathed, looking away too. Should she take his hands in her own? How was she supposed to fix whatever she messed up? What the hell just happened? – It was  _fine_ , better than fine. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I..."

He shook his head after her voice disintegrated away into the air, the white puffs evaporated.

She tried again. "I don't know why I did that. Not used to this, I guess." Haruka shrugged completely apathetically as if her reflexive action didn't betray her. Truthfully, she wanted Rin to touch her, to be that comfort and safety she so desperately craved, because he made everything in the world seem silent and so colourful at the same time. "I think you're better at coping with things than me. You always were."

Rin's breath breezed against her neck, laughing softly. "I don't think that's true. It was you who rescued me before."

Haruka shrugged again, correcting him. "I just swam with you, we rescued each other."

Rin pressed his head to her's, a light smile showing though the cold, pale curves of his lips. "Thank you,"

"Mm?"

"Just... For everything, Haruka."

* * *

The weekend after SC Return's relay, Makoto had officially pushed his limits as to how far he could go about not minding his own business. The appointment with a midwife was definitely something that she needed to do, but shoving the idea in her face until she snapped didn't help anyone, especially since it resulted in him making the call (because Haruka refused to do it), and lots of dialogue that got exchanged over the phone which she didn't quite catch, sounding like: "This is for my friend!", "No, I wouldn't be there, because I'm not the fa–", "Okay, uh-huh, yeah, okay, mmhmm...", and "Thank you so much, sorry to bother you again! Goodbye!"

"Haru, your appointment is this Sunday!" He had called from downstairs, writing it on the calendar and even ringing Rin about it.

So that how she found herself here: sulking in this stupidly uncomfortable plastic chair, skimming over outdated pop-culture magazines on the coffee table, being surround by judging eyes of other soon-to-be parents  _(yeah, we're high school students; get over it)_  and rows and rows of scary, TMI pregnancy-related pamphlets hung on the wall.

"Nanase-san?" A sweet-smiled lady called out to her from the fount desk, holding papers that Haruka prayed to the Gods wasn't more forms to fill out.

She gave Rin a sceptical look, not standing up until he did, taking his hand to reluctantly follow. The doctor or whatever (who looked too young to be medical professional,  _like... have you ever had a baby, what would you know?_ ) lead them to a private room that looked too white, too clinical and Rin's hand and presence beside her was the only thing providing any comfort.

"Hello, Nanase-san. I'm Doctor Arai." She said as she closed the door behind her, lowing her head slightly in politeness. Rin did the same, and Haruka just stood where she was.

Arai ushered for Haruka to sit on the bed, while Rin took the chair next to it. On the other side, there was a table with various medical equipment – thankfully nothing too terrifying like a massive syringe or anything: something she was expecting – and then a monitor, a blank screen displayed beyond the bed.

The first thing Arai did was talk, and the teen instantly hated this whole 'check-up thing'. When there was talking, there was responding, and that had never come easy to her. "I understand this is your first appointment, yes?"

Haruka nodded.

"Right, it's nice to meet you. I'll be the one at all of your visits here, checking up on you and the baby for the duration of your pregnancy and eventually delivering your child when the time comes."

Haruka only mumbled one-word answers at all her personal question, three at most which were:  _'I don't know'._  This is your first child, yes? ...' _Obviously'_. When was the last time you were sexually active? ' _January or February, maybe'._  When was your most recent menstrual cycle? ' _Dunno, am I supposed to keep track of it?'_

"Okay, then..." She stopped writing notes down, drawing out her words and turning away to place the papers on the desk. She cleared her throat, walking over to the monitor. "So, first, I'm just going to do an ultrasound to find out how many weeks you're at, give you an idea of a due date and answer any questions you or your partner may have, okay?"

"Uh... yeah." She muttered, before shuffled around on the bed. Rin was much 'nicer' (whatever that meant) saying a short, 'thank you'.

"If you'll just lie down and lift up your shirt, I can get the sonogram up, and you two will be able to see the foetus." She smiled as she spoke, and Haruka supposed this was what the magical moment was going to be, but it only felt awkward then she lay down, taking her shirt up to expose her mostly-flat stomach and when Arai poured weird jelly over it.

She swallowed, her palms going slightly wet, and she wondered if this was anxiousness. Her mind was focused on feeling worried about... well,  _something_. But in typically Haruka fashion, she didn't know it was. She almost didn't want Arai to press the scanner to her abdomen, for the monitor to come alive, to hear the rhythm it played. It was too soon, by about ten years and maybe that's what scared her.

"Oh, my God..." was the first thing she registered before even looking up. Her hands stayed merely shaking in Rin's, and his were, too – she felt the small vibrations as he spoke, the tiny sniffles he made to hold back emotions.

"The baby has a strong heart beat – perfectly healthy."

The sound of a muffled  _thump, thump, thump,_ filled the void of silence, and to Rin, Haruka knew by the quickening of his breaths, the wetness running down his face, and the expression he had only even shown her in the most tender of moments shared together: it was the most perfect sound he'd ever heard. "I can't believe it."

Haruka stayed stoically silent, taking it all it. It was hard to believe a black and white moving picture made up of swirls and shades with a significant circle-shaped object, and a consistent melody of a heartbeat could be  _so much_ all at once... but it was. And Haruka was finding out how to feel about it.

"From this, I'd say you are just at 12 weeks and at the start of your second trimester. Due dates aren't often precisely accrete, but an approximate date would be early to mid-September."

"Thank you," Rin said, completely entranced, not tearing his eyes away from the screen.

Doctor Aria's, "Would you two like a photograph of the sonogram?" barely made it to either of their ears, but Haruka felt Rin murmur something that sounded like, 'yes, please.'

Only after she left the room, and the pair of them had a physical picture to hold and graze their fingers over – something real to keep close, like a physical replication of the emotion of awe they both felt –, a real smile ghosted upon her lips, as his blazing eyes spilled with tears so alive with devotion. "That was our child," she whispered.

"I know. You're amazing, you know that? _This_ is so amazing."

* * *

"Something fishy is going on!" Nagisa concluded, placing his chopsticks down (a little too forcefully for dramatic effect) and standing up as if this was the beginning to their advantages to find out where Gou had been sneaking off to as of late.

Sitting and leaning against the wall of the roof top, Haruka groaned at the mention of fish, not really giving a shit about this current conversation. What Gou did in her spare time wasn't any of their business, and there were more important issues at hand: like being considerate for their other friend who was going to puke at hearing the word 'fish', but also kind of dying due to hunger since she wouldn't eat anything that wasn't mackerel.

"Gou-chan hasn't shown up to any after school swim practices,  _nor_ has she wanted to hang out with us any other time, nor has she managed us when she's the team manager! Gou-chan has a secret, I rest my case!"

The other teammates who went hunched over by the wall blinked at Nagisa undecidedly.

"Well, Nagisa-kun, if you're so sure about this ' _treachery'_ , what secret do you suspect Gou-san is hiding from us?" Rei rolled his eyes, to which Nagisa was obvious and continued his declaration.

"I have deduced, that it can only be one of two options. Option One: Gou has decided to quit the team." Nagisa waited for gasps and whispers to arise like this was some western live audience comedy. When none came from the unconcerned group, he began again, unfazed. "Or Option Two: Gou is preoccupying her time with someone else!"

"Well, she does has other friends beside us, Nagisa-kun." Rei opposed, but Nagisa was having none of it.

"No! You don't understand, Rei-chan! You're blinded towards it!"

"I'm what?!"

"Gou-chan is in a....  _relationship_!" The blonde boy said the word with such shock that the others were serious contemplating that they were in a very bad soap opera. "Have any of you seen Gou-chan which someone else recently?!"

Makoto, the undeniable clueless friend he is, actually thought about it. "Mmmh..." He placed a finger to his lips. "She's around Hana-chan a lot?" He offered, making it sound like a question, because he was so utterly lost by this whole conversation.

"That's it then! Gou-chan has a girlfriend!" Nagisa exclaimed like it was the worst thing in the world. "Now she'll spend all her time with Hana-chan and never hang out with us, and then quit the swim team, and then we won't have five members anymore – and we won't even have four with Haru-chan out –!"

"I'm still in the team." Haruka side-eyed Nagisa, seeing the underclassmen chuckle nervously. She’s a teammate no matter what, even if she couldn't race.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot." He scratched the back of his neck innocently. "But what do we do about Gou-chan?!"

Rei sighed, closing his eyes. "We could just follow her after school and find out what's really the matter."

Nagisa beamed. "Yes! Great idea, Rei-chan, that's perfect!"

Haruka didn't end up going with them, as their poor unsuspecting team manager was heading to the train station and Haruka really didn't feel like risky whatever was still inside her stomach to come back up on a train where it was likely she'd get travel sick anyway.

Makoto was bound to show up later telling her the real reason Gou was skipping club, not that Haruka really cared, however.

What she didn't expect was a text from Rin saying,  _'Watch out, Nanase. Another Matsuoka could rival you in the water ;) Gou's new, but a not-so-terrible freestyler. Iwatobi is certain to make Regionals this year. P.S don't think you're being replaced (you're irreplaceable and remarkable and amazing and_ Haru _), but it's for the team <3 P.P.S tell the others to stop stalking my sister...'_

* * *

The first swim meet of the year as a team came without a hitch, and both the Iwatobi swimmers and Samezuka's relay team swept nearly all their events, advancing to regionals.

Haruka missed competing with her team, not for the competitiveness, but the chance to feel so connected with her friends and the water. Unfortunately, being at 19 weeks pregnant, she was deemed ineligible to race, and though she'd already known it from the start, she couldn't help but feel uncomfortable being on the sidelines.

Rin had made sure she wasn't alone though, as in between his races he stayed with her on the bleachers, not caring that it was against the rules to sit with another school's members.

He held her hand, rubbing the back of it in circles with his thumb when she tensed up; he let her head fall onto his shoulder when she felt the uncertain ashen feeling return; and he kissed her soft lips lovingly and gently when she talked of being useless just sitting there, not swimming for her team.

* * *

"Food's that you should avoid is anything that's raw, basically. No pâté, shrimp, raw milk, raw eggs in other dishes, sushi and nigiri."

Haruka scoffed and threw her head back from where she lay on her back on the bed. "But this is Japan." She sighed, every other meal she ate that wasn't mackerel (not that she was eating a lot of that a the moment), somehow included raw fish.

"Do you know if the baby is a girl or a boy, yet?" Rin asked, doe-eyed, ignoring Haruka's disgruntlement over food. Doctor Arai finished wiping the goo off the raven-haired teen's bloated stomach. She was still kind of insecure about it, knowing that it was a little bit silly -- but Rin adored her and the new way she looked, and she'd end up blushing everything he told her.

"Yes, you're just at 20 weeks. Would you like to know?"

Rin looked at Haruka with wide, glassy eyes. Her hand in his got a little tighter, and she already knew what he wanted.

"No."

"What? Why?" He pouted.

"Because it doesn't matter." She said simply, to which Rin looked a little surprised. She rolled her eyes. "I don't care if it's a boy or a girl - it'll still be our child no matter what." Boy or girl, she'd know she'd love it infinitely, even if she didn't know what the emotion was quiet yet -- besides knowing what she felt for Rin, of course.

"Aghh, you're right." He sighed, a red burning at his cheeks, but smiling despite it all. Rin Matsuoka was never wrong... unless Haruka Nanase was a part of the equation.

* * *

"Are you guys still practicing?" Amakata-sensei sighed, walking over to the chatting voices and splashes of water that erupted thoughout the warm, July night.

"Ama-chan-sensei," Makoto greeted, a little surprised to see her here, considering after school club activities ended hours ago.

"The Guidance Counsellor will scold you for staying past the school's closing hours, you realise." The teacher shook her head and crossed her arms and she walked over to stand next to Makoto and Nagisa by the pool side.

Haruka sat on the pool ledge with her feet dangling inside the water, where her prominent belly hung over her thighs. The water danced and swirled around her fingertips when she glided her hands across the pool, oblivious toward the conversation and Rei and Gou practicing further up.

"Regionals are next week, so we want to use every moment we can to train."

"The more we practice our exchanges, the better we'll perform." Nagisa made a fist to emphasise his point, sounding just as determined and passionate as when he said anything else remotely encouraging or vaguely inspiring.

"We'll try again." Rei called from the pool, already adjusting his googles over his face and preparing to start the exchange again. "One more time."

"Okay!" Gou affirmed back, climbing to the starting block, getting into her stiff, too-low diving position.

"Why are you practicing your exchanges?" Amakata asked, leaving out the, _'aside from the obvious'._

Rei began swimming butterfly down the lane.

"Our only chance at surpassing the top schools is by shaving off enough time from our exchanges. We need to learn to anticipate the timing of the person before us, so that we're already starting to move into our dives by the time they first hit the platfo–"

"Dammit!" Gou cursed as she missed to see Rei's hands touching the wall, leaping into the water a second too late, and exclaiming loudly though the air as her dive was more of a flop that hit the surface. "...Ow."

Amakata-sensei and the rest of the Iwatobi practicing swimmers sighed, looking down at their feet, or had their head in their hands.

Somehow, Haruka's and Gou's eyes met, a defeated crimson meeting apathetic blue, and the raven-haired decided to say something, which is relatively a rarity. "You're focusing too much on what you're doing. Don't. Pay attention to the swimmer in front of you, and match your drawback for your dive just as they hit the wall. Breathe out just before you leap into the water, and also don't lock all you limbs in place when you're getting ready to dive. You look stupid."

Gou, who was a mixture between disappointed and surprised, numbly nodded a, 'Yes, Haruka-senpai!' and the drill went on with a 1.14 second faster timed exchange than the last.

The Guidance Counsellor, who no one had noticed was there until now, startled them. That was bad enough, excluding the fact that the Principal was beside him.

"O – Oh! I'm terribly sorry! We – We were just about to leave!" Amakata-sensei fretted, looking at the two men like they'd fire her right then and there for this (awfully illegal) after school swimming session. Haruka rolled her eyes, and all the other swimmers did nothing that displayed their intentions of actually leaving the pool.

"No, no. You're fine." The Principal waved off, though his lips moved into a tight line when he paused to look at the students. "By the looks of it, you guys definitely need the extra practice."

Gou pouted from where she was standing in the water, Rei nervous behind her. "I only started swimming a few months ago..." Gou whispered under her breathe, annoyed where she'd previously been proud of her newest and personal best exchange time after Haruka's advice.

The others, knowing it was true – they  _did_ have a lot to work on without Haruka being the amazing last leg of the race that she was – but pointing it out so obviously for them was a little degrading.

"Such a..." the Principal looked uncomfortable, before he searched for the right word. "....pity that Nanase-san is in no condition to race." At the mention of her name, Haruka stopped making swirls in the water and looked up to find the Guidance Counsellor, the Principal and everyone else looking at her. "We only hoped, Nanase, you'd bring this swim club to victory like you did last year – without your disqualification, of course. We heard you managed to attract a few talent scouts from astonishing universities last year. It's a shame your talent has been wasted away, though we do hope you the best regarding your future."

Haruka kicked the water with her bare foot, this feeling that she wasn't sure of, burning in her chest. Perhaps she was supposed to feel irreplaceable – that she was the strongest of the team, the one that made them come first, without her, they were bound to lose and she was what made all the difference. But then she felt red, bloody anger because how dare the Principal say she was wasting away her future, having this child. It... It was a  _difference_ that should only matter to herself and Rin, so why the fuck should he get to have his say. Maybe she wasn't going to go straight to university (or whatever she was going to do) after graduating high school like everyone else, but that wasn't bad, and it wasn't anyone else's business.

_It's not bad. It's not. It's okay. You're fine, Haru. Just ignore them._

As she closed her eyes, she already felt Makoto walking over to her, about to reassure her and try to fix whatever the Principal had just said. Haruka shook him off when he touched her shoulder, mumbling something just loud enough so that they could hear her small, "okay."

* * *

The bright city's night carried on as she ran against it.

* * *

_Awful, high-pitched shrieking of an infant choked the air, ruining the previously serene atmosphere that she could even remember hearing if she tried. The sound bleared like a siren._

_"Why don't you swim with us, Haru? Why aren't you swimming?" A mixture of voices questioned in distorted, fuzzy tones. Somewhere sounding as high as Nagisa's and as low as Sousuke's – she was pretty sure the string of vocals were all the people she knew._

_"I don't know." She told them, fighting to find a light in the oblivion._

_"Swim, and you'll have everything you've ever wanted?" They taunted,_

_"I don't want anything."_

_"You're lying Haruka!" So many people screamed at her, loud enough to make her cover her ears and kneel to the ground. Somehow they wouldn't go away, because they were in her head and oblivion was everywhere at the same time. "We know what you want!"_

_"Shut up!" She cried back, repelling against her mind._

_"You don't want this, do you Haruka?!" And suddenly it was just one voice, but his words held the sound of the world. "You want to swim!" Rin shrieked, as Haruka banged her hands against her head to rid his voice from her thoughts._

_She didn't have it her to answer in anything but screams._

_"Oh, Haruka. Why don't you show us your beautiful_ freestyle _?" The millions of voices sang, overlapping, looping over again and again._

_And now, voices had faces, and there wasn't a single person she saw that she didn't know. Their faces got closer, edging her towards the end of the diving block that she didn't know she was standing on. Her feet began to slip, and suddenly her hand reached out for something phantom, yet nothing was there ever to begin with, and she fell infinity into the hard, concreted ground below._

Eyes snapped open, head pounding, ears ringing, while Haruka reached out for anything –  _something_ – (she didn't know what exactly) to save herself from free falling to her death – before she even realized she'd awoken. Her heart raced, and it was impossible to erase the sickly stench of anxiety that radiated from what seemed to be every inch of her being. The emotion clouded her mind, making lost, dead thoughts reappear from every cobweb of her brain. Though, thinking was incredibly hard, she realized.

The dream was fading like rain puddles evaporating from Japan's sun, and her memory was just a frazzled heap of fogged-up pictures and scenery and smells and sensations and hurt and energy and feelings... and, somehow, Rin was there too.

Her eyes were wet and there was a pressing pressure against her arms and chest. Her body was covered by something, it felt hot and slick. She heard a faint voice somewhere, but it was too far away to concentrate on. Nonetheless, there was someone else's voice calling out, at least. That gave her the smallest sense of security, but not enough to calm her racing heart or clear what must have been nightmare from her head. Though, distantly – with the stress of everything that's been going on – she never remembered falling asleep at all.

Funny how someone could be so tired.

"You're okay, you're okay." It said, and though it only took a few seconds to process, she'd heard it many times before and knew this voice, and forced herself to believe the words the familiar person was whispering... "Haru, calm down, you're okay."

Warmth. That's what she heard. Nothing short of warm, kind safety, freedom from whatever unconscious hell that just was...

Daring just enough to open her eyes, Haruka cautiously squirmed out of thick hotel blankets and the light grip on her arms, holding her steady as she caught her breath while sitting up dead-straight from the bed. Those were probably the same arms that urged her back to alertness...  _Definitely_ , she thought, now that he saw the tired (and perhaps a little afraid) face of Rin looking back at her with crimson, concerned eyes that looked glassy in the reflection of the moonlight thought the open window.

"Bad dream?" Rin mumbled, taking his hands off Haruka's arms once he knew she had calmed her heart down. "I read that during pregnancy, women experience more vivid dreams."

"You read that?" Haruka side-eyed him, moving to lift the smothering blanket from around her waist. It exposed her quite obvious bump, a little silver of pale skin showing from where her oversized t-shirt had lifted up.

"Yeah, in fact, I did, okay? I research when it's important." He faked annoyance, but didn't commit to hiding his genuine smile. "Are you okay?" Rin checked over Haruka again, as the raven grazed a hand down her stomach out of comfort. The parental instinct had become stronger the further along she was. Yes, she had no idea of how they were going to be parents, or even if they were substantial ones. But she and Rin would try, and figure it out together, and somehow they'd thrive at it because that's who they were.

For now, Haruka settled for stroking a few delicate fingers down the side of her stomach, hoping it would be enough. There was a need she now felt to protect the tiny human inside her, even if it was from the pounding of her own heartbeat that probably would've sounded like huge drums to the baby's ears.

"I'm fine. I can't remember what I was dreaming about."

Rin snuggled closer to her body and she let him, taking his hand and trailing it down her swollen abdomen, as well.

That night the baby moved, kicked and kicked harder for the first time and they both felt it against their interlocked hands.

* * *

"You don't get to  _own_ me. I'm not some school's best time on a scoreboard, nor a fucking drawback due to the fact I won't be competing for the next year or whatever. I don't get why you care so much, I can't be that valuable for all your fancy universities! I – I don't... don't want to swim competitively, I just want –... Just leave me alone."

* * *

_Inhale_... that was the most difficult thing to do, it seemed. Her breaths were shaky, uneven, too shallow; and despite being in the deserted locker room, alone in the calm, still, suffocating darkness with an equally submerging crowd in the stadium outside, her heart was pounding as if the race -- that five and a half months ago, would've decided everything -- had already began. Now it wasn't her race, but that didn't matter. The scouts still wanted her, and she was undone no matter what.

Part of her wanted to leap into the pool and swim until the water cleared her mind, but another part of her couldn't help but feel trapped within a future that led somewhere else – a place she didn't want – whenever she looked at it.

The push and pull, the endless merry-go-round that she had been stuck on for five months, wouldn't end, it seemed. Rin could kiss away the nightmares and love her in the dark, but he couldn't take away the anxiety of it all, nor could he breathe air into her lungs, if she wasn't already dead. Somewhere, in a dark place of her mind, she thought those kind of thoughts, and was revolted and terrified for herself.

"Haru, come on, we need to talk!"

She loved this child, she did. And the thing was so innocent, so tiny, and so very, very delicate – but so was her future. A swimming career was scary, and competitive, and bound to rules, times, places – but a child would break apart in her hands. She was insufficient, useless, and not a mother. She wouldn't remember to heat up bottles, or keep the crib free of blankets and pillows, or plug up the outlets, or say 'I love you' every night. Haruka was destroying a baby's life before it had even begun, and in the end she'd would ruin three lives.

"What the hell happened out there? You can't just –"

Her swimming career was out of reach even if she tried to leap for it, Rin didn't deserve to be bound to her and her entrapment, and her child's life wouldn't break away before she knew the pieces were fragmented to begin with.

This gut-churning feeling was so heavy, her breathing was suffocating. She was taking in air too quickly as if it would run out, which – for Haru – wasn't so non-plausible. It felt like gasping for oxygen, only seconds after the moments a swimmer would be underwater, or forgetting to take a breath, so they'd be struggling a second longer to continue without oxygen while the other swimmers would be gliding right passed.

"Are you even listening to me?! Those scouts are recruiting for the best universities in the country – world even! It may not matter to you now, but they decided who gets to compete on the world stage and who doesn't! What you say to them now could affect you when this is all over, years from now!"

" _Shut up!_ " she forced her brain to tell itself, aloud. Maybe thinking about the unavoidable was the root to all her problems. She needed to stop her mind. This couldn't be good for the life she was supposed to protect, and at the realisation that she was failing at it now, her eyes burned with water. She needed quietness in what seemed like the black void encasing her completely and within the endless sound of white noise filling her ears.

With a snarl, grinding teeth together painfully, Haruka slammed the row of locker doors forcefully, purposely, eyes stinging with unshed tears. The lockers shook for a few seconds at the sudden force, but stilled as Haruka stepped back, panting at whatever emotion this was that made everything seem in overdrive.

And suddenly she realised Rin was here, speaking to her the whole time. He looked concerned, afraid.

"Why are you acting as if you have no future?" He asked her, almost a whisper that didn't quite fully carry throughout the rest of the room.

His hand was gripping her arm to the lockers against her back, yet she didn't know when he'd done that. Maybe it was to anchor her, maybe himself, maybe to keep her from running away – it was almost ironic, since it wasn't a physical thing she was running from.

"Perhaps I don't!" She shouted, loud like the static in her ears. "I have no dream! I'm not you! I don't know what I want, and probably never will until I'm stuck in a pathway that I can't go back from, nor change it when I realise I'm trapped in it!" She was on a train going somewhere that she couldn't get off of. A clock was counting down that held the illusion of choosing 'Option One' or 'Option Two' and a billion numbers in between, when really it was the ticking down time of arrival to seal her fate. There was one option, no choice, and the juxtaposition taunted her.

" _This_ is so hard. I – I don't kn... I can't..." Before she finished the sentence, eyes burning, Rin had her encased in his arms, neither of them needing to clarify what ' _This_ ' was. Haruka was too overwhelmed and tried to fight against his warmth.

"You have nothing, but the world, Haru. And I'm going to show you it, after things calm down – maybe after Nationals."

Her pulse still bled in her ears, and her vision was shaking. This wasn't something she'd felt before -- not from anger -- and the crash that followed after the hot, adrenaline-fuelled outburst was making her lightheaded. This couldn't have been her emotions, alone... "Where would we go?"

"Somewhere far away, anywhere but here."

* * *

"I look so weird." Haruka mumbled, standing awkwardly in the mirror that hung on the back of the dorm room door. She hadn't meant to get distracted when they were supposed to be studying for the end-of-year-exams, but she never realised how big she was, now that she wasn't wearing Rin's oversized school jacket, or clothing of her own that was too big anyway.

Today, she wore a thin white t-shirt, and a blue sweater that hung off one shoulder, but the zipper was undone so it exposed her stomach -- quite a lot of it too.

"Might the tiny human inside you have anything to do with that?" Rin chimed in from the bed, still jotting down chemistry notes, to which Haruka had abandoned 30 minutes ago.

"Shut up." She glared at him in the mirror. She wasn't quite as big as other women who they passed during their hospital appointments, but she was still nervous about her whole new body. Luckily the morning sickness part was over, but now she'd grown, and not just in her stomach. Her thighs were different, same with her feet, chest and a little bit around her face. The rest of her was still quite small and that looked weird contrasted against her heavier, rounded figure, she thought. "You know it's gonna get so much worse than this, right?"

"You say it like creating life is a bad thing." Rin lightly teased, meeting an equally light hearted smile in the mirror from Haruka.

"Like you'd know, idiot." She turned around on her heels, throwing her science work book at his feet on the floor.

"Hey!" He pouted, but they both ended up giggling and Haruka was smirking from where she stood.

"Like, what if my water were to break while in the pool. That would be bad." She mused, kind of horrified.

Rin raised an eyebrow, an unconvinced face dusting his features. "Would you really be concerned about the state of the  _pool_ when you'd literally be about to give birth, right where you were?"

"No, I'd clean it." She shrugged." Then go take a bath. Then eat. Then maybe go to bed --"

Rin's face was then more perplexed than hers had been when thinking about the dirty pool. "Did you somehow forget your water had broken and you were now in labour, and just chose to ignore it?" He questioned it like he didn't expect this reality, but honestly... this  _would_ happen in real life, wouldn't it? Oh God...

"No, I'd just not be that concerned, is all."

"Good to know, Haru." Rin only made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a sigh.

* * *

The day of nationals started with a headache.

It also started with lazy kisses down her neck, soft moans and that golden light pouring into the hotel room from the half-closed curtains, and besides that white-pained throbbing behind her eyes, it was a morning she cherished.

She'd woken up across Rin's chest, both their limbs intertwined with each other's, the sheets a little wet from their sweat the night before, but the air was light, calm now, and Haruka decided she didn't want it any other way.

"Stay..." She mumbled, lips brushing against the pillow when her source of warmth left the bed at the alarm clock, reluctantly and she winced at both the sudden coldness and blearing, repetitive noise.

Rin dragged his hand away from Haru's that had been clasped together, and smiled through hesitate words. "I have to meet Sousuke and the others for practice. And I'm supposed to help Gou with her exchanges."

"Mmhh... you're not even on the same team." Haruka said, side-eyeing him as he packed his clothes and everything else that he'd need for today in his swim bag. She failed to acknowledge that Rin helping out Gou was a benefit for her team, anyway – but that didn't matter when all she cared about was lying in bed the whole morning, ignoring the fact that this was the day of Nationals.

Okay, well that wasn't completely true. Despite the obvious, Haruka  _did_ care. Of course she wanted to see her team race, as well as Rin's. She wanted him to achieve his goals that he'd been planning since he was eleven – she wanted that future of him. She wanted to see Nagisa's, Rei's and Gou's pride as they swam through the water, entirely free and oblivious towards their timing or place – because they deserved the opposite of whatever she was going through , dealing with  _her_ future. She wanted Makoto to have his final race with the team before graduating, where she couldn't... And she was so happy for all of them, it didn't seem real to feel something like this.

She knew she'd definitely felt this before, though – because suddenly she was a seventeen year old, second year student again, and standing underneath the evergreen tree that brought her back to a time when four people, her  _team_ , waited for the sakura petals to bloom during winter.

She remembered writing three words with a stick in the soil, as clearly as she would've written her own name. She knew each stroke, each letter as if the crimson-haired boy from six years ago was guiding her hand as she wrote it.

_For the Team_

And when he saw it, his own words reflected years later by someone else – words he thought she'd forgotten about, both Rin and Haruka knew they wouldn't ever be so alone again.

"Yeah," Rin said, pausing his packing and softly smiling at Haruka, blissfully unaware of the glassiness in her eyes. She could almost  _touch_ the sakura petals of the past – they felt so vivid in her memories... despite never having been under a cherry blossom tree in either of those times. "But I'm her brother, so..."

"I think that I love you."

The words left her mouth before she even knew she could stop them, unaware of the fact she wasn't even going to try to take it back, truly if every fibre of her being was telling her to do so. And somehow Haruka knew, nothing in herself was telling her mind to repel against her own voice. Everything she was made of, every instinct, every connection made sense with those words. There was just so much  _right_ with that sentence, it couldn't be biologically, emotionally, and scientifically possible to explain why she felt so strongly this way about another person.

Then she remembered it was Rin – the one who was her forever-teammate from when they were only just children, who showed her a world she'd been so blind to, who saved her when she couldn't keep her head above the rising water – and sudden Haruka realised, of course it was possible to love someone as much as she loved Rin.

Rin's eyes matched hers, as they were glossy and blinking frequently to stop the water escaping. However, his were much more wide, entranced with shock, or awe like the rest of his features. It was simply unbelievable that Haruka Nanase of all people had said something as powerful as that.

"I know that I love you, too."

* * *

But the day ended in sirens, and by the time her headache splotched her vision, made her lose the feeling in her limbs, and make the searing burning pain in her brain get so intense, she didn't even register that she'd collapsed in the street where they were celebrating in. She felt it in her sides when her fragile body made impact with the pavement, and the pounding relentlessness in her ears as inaudible screams erupted from those beside her. Her hands slipped from supporting her back and stomach, as her legs caved from underneath her, unconscious before she even hit the ground.

"Haru!" That first voice was Rin's. His voice in her mind was like that everlasting kind of comfort – a fire of protection, not like the one feverishly burning inside her brain and body that flared her from the inside out, making her arms and feet and hands go entirely numb – detached, unusable.

"W-What happened!?" Makoto. He was scared, yelling. He was just as protective, but in a different kind of way. One that shielded her from the enemy, rather than fighting it. But the agony was in her head, and he couldn't soothe it, nor could Rin make it go away. Makoto just screamed out words, and it made the pounding worse. He was terrified.

It was soon easy to tell who was talking, even when her senses were pushed ten feet underwater and her lungs were ablaze with the lack of oxygen. "I- I don't know, Haru-chan j-just –" Nagisa.

"Please – oh,  _God_ – Haru, wake up." Rin.

"Hello? We need and ambulance,  _please_. Our friend –" Yamazaki.

"H-Her pulse is irregular!" Makoto.

"I hear the sirens! I'm going to direct the paramedics over here." Rei.

"Haru,  _please_." Rin.

She wished she'd stayed in-tuned with reality longer, the noises overcome every part of her mind, and it was too much effort to stay in that semi-conscious realm of lucidity, so she blanked out completely and the pain was gone.

* * *

When she woke again, it was in fragments. The city's night life sky didn't consume her, but the stark white hospital ceiling did. Instead of seeing the orange glow of Japan's lights against the dark sky with a few visible stars, she saw pale whiteness that was too bright, too strong - too soon.

She knew where she was, she'd known since the frantic blue and red flashes filled her mind, the rhythmic beeps and machine noises, the stings and jabs in her arms that made everything so weird and funny.

She instantly felt the presence beside her, and knew who that person was before she even opened her eyes. His sniffles filled the air that was contaminated with antiseptic and annoying beeps. Wet, warm droplets landed on her hand, meeting pale, thin skin. And the pressure on her stomach reminded her of another person she loved. But she was in the hospital, so something must've been wrong.

From her closed eyelids, all that blurred together was ember red.

* * *

The next time she woke up, she expected it to be in the hotel room – as if this day hadn't already happened. That the Nationals race hadn't begun yet, ending with a 5th for Samezuka and a 7th for Iwatobi; that they hadn't got celebrated the night while Haruka tried to focus on staying balanced and conscious; and a day where Rin was not crying next to the hospital bed she lay in.

But that was reality.

Doctors with medical information suddenly came flying her way, as they talked her through everything: why was she here? Was it as serious as they said it was? What happens now?

B19, an insignificant infection she'd never heard of before, destroyed everything. Something about anaemia, too and then it made sense when they related it back to the headaches, the fatigue, the light headedness until it affected her enough to cause her to pass out in the middle of the street.

And now, a fucking stupid common cold type illness made one of the doctors say the words, "Emergency Caesarean, falling heartbeat of the unborn child, prep for surgery immediately," and Haruka screamed.

* * *

Baby girl Nanase-Matsuoka was born at 27 weeks. That was the end –  _period_. She was skin and bones, weighed near to nothing if they'd measured her, didn't cry, and didn't have the ability to breathe. She was born dead.

A nurse performed tiny, two fingered CPR on a tiny baby girl, with tiny tubes connected to her body. Haruka's world was spinning, the anaesthetic was mixing with her veins in an incoherent kind of way where the ceiling spilled like oil paints, and Rin's glassy eyes multiplied, and the nurse that resuscitated her baby blended into the background of the operating theatre. She heard the echoes of wailing, muffled by ears that were underwater – but perhaps it was only a dream, something she wanted to hear. Because her baby couldn't breathe, her baby was born dead.

The scary people in white coats shouted things at each other like "she's losing blood," and Rin was screaming, too. But she heard nothing.

She watched the nurse on the far end of the room press her fingers into her baby girl's so very fragile and delicate chest, again and again and again – until Haruka assumed five minutes must've passed.

And then she stopped.

"W-Why did you stop – " She mumbled in while she floated through consciousness. "She's  _dying_."

Rin's mouth moved from above her. "Haru, s-she –"

" _Please_ , you have to –"

Then everything solidified – the water tuned to ice, the fire turned to ash. Died. Everything died at the Doctor's words once he said, "I'm so sorry."

* * *

"Nhhm... W-where... is s-she?"

"Somewhere better than here, darling."

Or that's what they both had to believe.

* * *

The lime-hued green walls faded around her senses, a euphorically numb sensation of fuzziness smothering her vision and sense of touch due to the running of morphine mixing through her veins. The edges of her eyes burned black, unable to see from her peripherals. The buzzing white noise filled her ears, either the overload of too much sound, or the absence of it entirely – she couldn't be sure.

Haruka didn't feel pain anymore, not that consistent piercing throbbing through her skull, or the sickening burning radiating through her body, or the relentless buzz of drugs and anaesthetic while being sliced open. 'Emergence Cesarean', they called it, though she barely remembered it at all now.

' _7 o'clock_ ' read the plain analogue, hung to the plain wall. That was the time now, seven in the morning or afternoon – reality slipping away with each beat of her heart. Was it concerning that she didn't know whether it was day or night? Was it concerning that she didn't care? Was it concerning that she didn't want to know, because if she knew, this moment had a time in history, a date,  _proof_ that something happened that wasn't ever supposed to happen. If this moment had a time, it was real – and Haruka couldn't let it be.

This couldn't be real. This moment was supposed to happen 14 weeks for now, and she and Rin would be holding the most incredible thing in the world, unable to look away from their baby's beautifully blazing eyes. Not in a hospital bed, trying to piece together why her  _everything_ fell apart so quickly, why Rin had much too puffy cheeks and cried even while he slept – gentle teardrops running from his closed eyes – and why she felt so unbelievably, undeniably  _empty_ right now –  _alone_.

She used to love the solitude of feeling nothing but her own breathing, her own heartbeat, her own fingers piercing through the water when it was interrupted by nothing but her own ripples. She liked being unaware, unburdened, solitary. The world was so small when it was only  _herself_ in it.

Yet she also loved being with Rin, curled within his warmth when the world was too dark, and letting him into her world because the possession wasn't ever really a  _'her's_ , but a  _'their's_.

But she was wrong. The world around them was nothing, because their world had died.

The space revolving around the sun, this planet called Earth – it wasn't really anything or anyone's. The world wasn't her's or their's, it was just simply nobody's, nothing but 'a world'. She didn't get to decide how she wanted the future to unfold, or what endgames presented themselves when everything was all over, or what options she had, let alone what choices.

She didn't control anything because she just  _existed_. She was trapped in a world where people thought they were the protagonists, when really they're the audience and life's fate were the artists, the overseers and everything in between.

Humanity's role was to react, and make do of things they couldn't change.

Haruka was one of them – just as Rin was, and Makoto and Gou and Nagisa and Rei and seven and a half billion other people were, too. And it made her fall beyond the feeling of sweet solitude, and into that richer, terrifying isolation – despite the 'seven and a half billion people' thing.

"I didn't want this." She whispered, even though her voice was waving and barely loud at all, Rin stirred beside her in the chair, waking up with a cloudy head and puffy eyes. Somehow the sound of Haruka's broken voice wasn't much different from the ambulance sirens yesterday night, or the erratic heartbeat monitor, or the horrific absence of sound that was supposed to be a baby's first wail. All too devastating.

She didn't notice that he'd taken hold of her hand, or even that he had woken at all, and only continued because she had  _finally_ found words that she needed to say and couldn't stop herself for the first time in her life. "I thought that once she was here, it'd be all worth it. W-whatever I was feeling before – it would end and I'd know what to do. I wanted there to be a-an 'all over' even if there was never really going to be one. I needed it to just end..."

"Haru..." Rin swallowed the lump in his throat, so unsuccessfully that it hurt and the tears came anyway. He shook his head feebly, because he  _knew_ where this was going and hated it.

"I did this." She choked, leaning her head forward, grabbing the blanket to her chest tightly as if to block everything else out. It couldn't be real that she was in the hospital for losing a baby, and that this wasn't the saddest day of her 18-year-old life, and Rin and her were supposed to be holding the most beautiful thing in the entire world without her being even a day old... but they weren't. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Rin. I couldn't– I-I couldn't do it... I didn't want this to happen,  _please_."

Rin held her hand tighter, tethering both of them. His head resting upon hers, foreheads touching and he never wanted to be further away from this person for the rest of his life. "Haru... Haru, don't. I know. Don't ever say you're sorry, please." His voice whispered back, wet with tears and snot but neither of them cared because how could they? "I know you loved her."

"I d-didn't get to see her." Haruka said, her chest heaving as her breathes can in and out shakily. "Do you know what she looked like, Rin?"

Did their daughter have her father's ember eyes, so ablaze that they could light up the world; or did she have Haruka's – ocean-like, serene clear blue irises that glimmered in the sunlight? What did she feel like? Was it that pure touch of a warm body, blood running through tiny veins below her thin skin, or was she cold from the moment she was born? Did she ever take her first breath, her first yawn, her first look of this fateful world?

Would they ever know what silly little things she didn't like the feel of, or what tastes she didn't like, or what food she wouldn't eat? What would her first word be? Would they ever find out if she needed the water to thrive just as her parents did? Would she ever come home telling them what she wanted to do with her life at the age of four and a half, even if it was just a dog walker or ruler of the country? Would she ever sit upon Rin's shoulders as his heavy, golden medal hung from her neck, standing in front of a world stage?

Would they ever know what colour the strains of her hair were – a magnificent crimson red or a beautiful obsidian black? Perhaps it was somewhere in between, and maybe her eyes matched – the perfect shade of violet, an incredible hue created by of both of them.

"She never had a name."

* * *

"Haru?" She felt the too bright morning sun on her skin, as Rin's voice muffled through the closed door of her bedroom. He must have let himself in. Funny she didn't care. Maybe after everything, things like that wouldn't change. She pulled the sheets that smelled like chlorine over her head, but didn't have the energy to actually swim or even take a bath. She wasn't sure she was even supposed to, a week after surgery – but it was already because the water was now dead.

"Go away." She mumbled, pressing warm head against the pillow. She was still feverish from time to time, nor did the cramping pain go away from her stomach, but she assumed the former was more from the virus being flushed out of her body with antibiotics than the caesarean – than giving birth.

Rin opened the door, and if he was surprised by the unmade sheets, messy room and dishevelled Haruka lying on the futon, he didn't show it. He came to sit next to her where she lay on the futon, cocooned in the thin blankets. "The fridge is still full with the Tachibana's dishes Makoto brought over. Have you eaten since we came back from the hospital?" He asked numbly, and Haruka couldn't tell if he'd been crying before he came in here, or if that's just how his voice sounded like ever since the night of Nationals. She didn't like it. She liked the Rin that whispered to her meaningless nothings, or his gentle voice when he told her things meant for only her – he was quiet, but not like this. Rin wasn't supposed to be apathetic, that's who she was and he was supposed to be better than that. He was a fiery headed, passionate, warm blooded, competitive, and emotional. But he wasn't quiet – that's why she loved him.

And now he was as gone as her.

Two negative charges repealed, two zeros didn't equal a number, two people drowning couldn't rescue each other when neither had a lifeline... They were supposed to be each others' saviours, but two naive teenagers didn't account for the times they both needed saving.

"What would you have done chasing the dream of an Olympian, and at the same time, raising a child?" She bit her lip, not daring to look at him. If he was grey, than Haruka had to be red. Somehow she found it more easily than she would have thought.

"...Haru," Rin said, almost like a warning, so she wouldn't get hurt by her own self. Maybe she'd end up hurting Rin, too. Maybe she wanted it like that, because he would leave her like everyone else – even if he hadn't now, he would've in a different life, or he will in this one.

"How would it have worked?" She asked bluntly. "You'd be off in Tokyo or whatever else, training – and you would leave me alone with your daughter." She felt Rin flinch, then stiffen. "You'd live your dream, get to do whatever you wanted – and I'd be alone with our child."

"Haru, I wouldn't ever leave you." The worlds sounded like he was pleading with her, but his voice betrayed him and it stayed void of emotion. It didn't feel like Rin talking, it was someone else. They both were two different people entirely. "Please, I'd be with you through everything. I'm  _still_ here – I'm still yours."

It sounded like a lie.

"No, you'd leave!" She almost screamed, but her voice was raw, and now neither teenager was themselves. "You would leave me because you had a future! I don't! You would leave me like the scouts, like my parents, like my –" Haruka broke. "– like m-my daughter..."

Like an aftershock, or a continuous eruption, Rin came crashing down, as well. His eyes meet Haruka's for the first time in a while since the hospital, and they just stared at each other through ugly, sobbing tears. "N-No, I'm right here, Haruka." They mourned. "I'm here. We are forever, we have to be."

Rin didn't speak after that, but she heard sniffles, and suddenly she couldn't talk. Suddenly he was the same passionate redhead, eyes ablaze with fire, and Haruka felt her heart drop because, in a painful way, she and Rin were the same – they were together, a team... and the grief of their child was something happening to both of them – but possibly in different ways that neither of them knew.

* * *

_"We're going to have a baby," she said, in a time so different from the past. A beautiful smile shone upon her face, and he mirrored hers through overjoyed sobs._

_There was no 'what are we going to do?'s, or 'are we ready for this?'s; only 'I love you's, and that was more than everything they ever needed. They didn't worry about a thing, because they had it all. Finally._

_Nothing worth the weight of the world was easy, though. The edge of the bed seemed like her hold on gravity, and quite frankly, Haruka would've let go if she knew how. She'd been moving around the pale-white, stuffy room, from the bed to the window sill, from the window sill, to down the hallway, from the hallway to Rin's arms — and now she was crouched on the floor, nearly on all fours, clutching the bed frame as her lower abdomen ripped in half._

_She clenched her eyes so tightly shut that she saw stars, and a muffled groan escaped pasted her grit teeth as she felt another contraction course through her body._

_7 minutes apart, 6 centimetres, 42 hours, and this was too much for the 27 year old to handle._

_"Please," She gasped and choked through trying to rid herself of the excretion. She rocked back and forth on her heels, knees pressed up to her chest around her heavily swollen stomach, and her warm, sweaty forehead pressed against the cold metal frame. "Don't go," She said achingly, unable to catch her breath._

_After the pain subsided, and Haruka was left shaking and on the verge of throwing up, she felt a hand stroke down her back, almost so lightly she didn't think it was real at all._

_"I'm here, I'm yours," He said on the cold, hard floor with her, bodies close, her head on his shoulder after she collapsed against him at the weak sound of his soft voice. They were both now, crouching on the ground, crying and exhausted_ _– one pleading for refile, and the other trying to stay together for all of them._

_"Hold me." She whispered._

_And Rin did till her body went rigid, the screams left her lungs and vomit was all over the hospital gown, his clothes and the floor. He didn't let go of her hand till a different kind of crying – a beautiful, wailing of a tiny human's voice – filled the now silent room._

_Then it didn't hurt anymore, because how could it when she had her husband lying next to her, and their newborn baby in their arms? When Haruka's eyes trailed down to meet the violet-hued irises of Sakura, she knew whatever race she swam, whatever competition she entered, whatever 'game' life was – she had beaten it, she had won... because she and Rin together held the universe – the one that was a few hours ago, blinking it's pure eyes sleepily, and one that was loved beyond infinity._

_Sakura Nanase-Matsuoka was real._

"Rin," She choked in the dark of Australia's moonlight pooling through the window. Her mind buzzed with a hospital room, the phantom feeling of pain in her stomach, and searched for the only thing she wanted to be constant in both dream and reality. She curled closer to him in the bed, nudging at his arm until he stirred awake.

His crimson eyes bounced off the moonlight. "Haru? Are you okay?"

"Hold me."

And he did like he wouldn't ever again.

For now, they were just Rin and Haruka. Maybe one day there would be something more: a beautiful, summer sunset with traditional music and a red kimono that matched Rin's eyes to walk down the aisle in; or gold medals to hang from around their necks, while Rin spun her up in the air as they cried with pride for themselves; or someone wrapped up in a soft blanket that they held close to their chests when they lay in bed, little stands of violet hair twirling around her fingertips as the child slept...

But for now, they were just Rin and Haruka, and they'll last until the future comes.

 

**Author's Note:**

> oh god... this has been in the works since july last year, i wanna say??? idk, but it's been ages and for weeks i had only the very start written!! i had abandoned it at just the first scene, becausei didn't even know where i wanted this to go -- i still didn't a couple months into writing it.
> 
> i've had QuixoticallyMe with me throughout writing this to walk to about it, and to help me figure aspects of it out -- but not even she knew the overrall plot/ending ;3. Also, girl was my beta reader, so... thankyouuuu and I'M SORRY I PUT YOU THROUGH THAT!
> 
> the angst... that's something i didn't account for. i swear, i didn't mean for that to happen! im sorry rinharu ;~; it's just, i literally have no idea what it would be like in that situation -- espically since haru in canon is dealing with his crisises, and in this timelime, everything added on top of that... it's just a very grey (as in complicated/not black-and-white) circumstance.
> 
> in no way am i implying that what happened was a 'good thing'. it's just a story, it's fiction -- it's just an idea i explored with two characters to show their little journey through it all. and im not sure if i should adress this or not, but the way i wrote haru made it seem like she was very unsure/unsetteled about her pregnacy and the idea of a child (espical at the start), yet the options of abortion or adoption was never mentioned. i'll make it clear that i am very pro-choice, and think that women should not go through a pregnacy/parenthood if they don't want to -- end of story. but, for the sake of this fic, abortion/adoption was not mentioned, or options that haru ever really thinks about becuase this is fiction and not real.
> 
> well thanks if you read this story. im pround of the fact it's finally finished x3 i'd love feedback on your thoughts, or comments on anything you'd like to discuss （っ＾▿＾）
> 
> \- euphoricxdystopia


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